3 posts tagged “japan”
Show us a picture of where you used to be.
I actually can't take any credit for this photo, because Chris took it. But, I think he did an amazing job; it's really gorgeous.
AND
Today's word of the day (learn it, use it, love it) is :
Well, it means "Vain and empty boasting".
The plural is braggadocios.
The adjective form is braggadocian.
I've been listening to this song on repeat; and for once, it's not because I like the vocalist or because it makes me think of him, grinning from ear to ear. It's not because the song has dirty lyrics, which make me giggle like a ten year old who doesn't know any better. It doesn't bring up any specific treasured memory. It's not complex and an astounding musical masterpiece.
Even though it went so sour, and ended so badly, I miss the few really sweet moments we had.
It's another one of those songs that makes me think of sitting in
Nelske's room, doing our translation homework and drinking tea, while
it's raining outside. I guess, it just has that atmosphere.
Comfortable. I miss that, a lot.
I miss staying up with Annie and Kim, only to realize the next morning
I'd fallen asleep somewhere along the way. Or harassing Kim to get up out of bed.
I miss going every week to Little Hong Kong, with my friends, and ordering 青 or 黄カレー, every time.
I miss waiting outside the live house, feeling anxious and nervous, just because he was there.
It makes me cry.
It makes me think of all the things I regret, and of how maybe, there could have been something.
It makes me wish someone, someone like him, was here right now to hold me, and make everything feel just a little bit better. To make everything a little more 'right'.
It makes me miss Nelske, Kim, Annie, Althea. . . all the people I became so close with and who I can't see every day now. And also the 'friends' I once had who I apparently mean little to nothing to now. I wonder, if that's my fault.
It makes me incredibly homesick.
More than anything, it makes me homesick.
I never even went to the sea while I was there.
I realize, there's no point in regretting the things we did or didn't do. But regardless, I sit here day after day wondering how different, how much better, my life could be. You'd think that this would give me some kind of strength; to get over this ridiculous shyness and do something. But it doesn't. It makes me feel that much more hopeless. Like things will never go the way they're supposed to. That it'll be like this forever.
I also realize, that letting those kind of thoughts get to me does nothing, for anyone. Especially myself.
But they're hard to escape. I want someone to tell me it gets better. That it gets happy again. That someone cares.
That I can make the decision that makes me happy, without making other people upset.
I know, it's a lot to ask.
I guess, I keep listening to this song, because above everything, it makes me feel.
And, sometimes it's still nice to know that you can do that.
I thought a while about whether or not I wanted to write about this here. But, I want to write about it SOMEWHERE, and it's NOT going to be on my mixi for extremely obvious reasons (there are people on my mixi who know this boy).
Anyways.
I oddly enough had a dream about Akira. I
have no idea why, I guess because I was talking about him earlier in
the day. But when I woke up and remembered, I was surprised... because,
well I like Akira but, you know.
He was so sweet in my dream, and spoke really good English...
He
was sitting at a table, kind of like a small card table and writing
something down, but writing it in English. I have no idea how I got
there, but I was, and beside him the whole time. He was really
talkative (which is uncharacteristic, but I assume if you get to know
him he's probably reasonably chatty), and was both writing and speaking
in mostly English. Unfortunately, I have no recollection of what was
being said.
I mostly remember thinking he was really sweet, and really liking him and wanting to be closer to him all the time, haha. He was dressed really nice too, with a white jacket and a black dress shirt underneath, and had CUT HIS HAIR (just like I had mentally kept telling him to do for months). Then for some reason I was kneeling at the table, because there was only one chair, and he was sitting in it, so I was beside him just crouching instead of standing as he was talking about something. Then he kept playing with my hair, which was odd but nice. I like it when people do that. I remember thinking in my dream, I shouldn't say anything, because maybe he'll stop, haha. But I knew I had to say something, so there was a long silence, until I spoke.
I woke up shortly after that. It wasn't a really exciting dream or anything, but it felt so real and for me, it was definitely weird to be dreaming about him. I guess on some level I always kind of liked him, especially because he always seemed the most interested out of everyone. But, there's ○○○. So then I felt like since I absolutely adore him, I can't like Akira or Yamaji too, because they're friends and that's weird. Seeing how sickeningly much I liked ○○○.
But Akira was always so wonderfully sweet to us. We always stood in between him and ○○○; without fail. And he made sure to let us know he knew we were there, every single live. Even if it was awkward and embarassing sometimes (ahem, like when he thought it was FUNNY to make the white girl jump). He also made sure both Nels and I got one of his picks; like really made sure. Put it in your hand, and closed your hand around it sure. So we knew it was to us, and not just tossed out. He was shy though; not so much on stage but if he was ever off stage and even close by at all he wouldn't make any eye contact, haha. The best was when Nels and I were arguing, because I was so nervous I wanted to go home instead of meeting them (stupid, I know but I was really that nervous) and he was watching our whole... scene from behind the table. Every single time we looked over, he'd look up at the ceiling, haha.
I miss them.
A lot.
I told Naoki, that I dreamt about Akira, and he said that I'll meet him again then. Haha.
I wonder.
I really want to go back soon; I keep telling myself that when I go back I can't be this shy. I have to get some guts and talk and have fun. I could have said something to him so many times. But I was always so ridiculously shy.
I'm glad Nels was there on the 25th. I really can't thank you enough, because if it wasn't for you I'd never have done a single thing.
